I told you I was hurting
I was different from my peers
I took a softer approach to the world
Being there for others and making sure they were happy
I knew what it was like to be unique
I didn’t want others to be sad around me
I was tested for Autism at 5 years old
You knew. I was defective from the start.
I remember the day you asked me how you should beat your son
I had to decide or else I’d be beat too
Your son knocked over a construction play set
You asked how I wanted to hurt him
I chose the thick leather workout belt
I was forced to watch
I wont forget his screams
This was the first week we lived in our perfect home
A testament that you’d made it in your career
While our lives were being splintered
I often reminisce about a perfect summer night.
The clouds were soft
The air was warm, decorated with fluffy clouds
I snuck out many scoops of mint chocolate chip ice cream in a salad dressing shaker
My friend and I (rest his soul, he took his life 2019) ate the forbidden ice cream
My dad was looking for us and I grabbed the ice cream with my hands to return the dressing shaker
The cold ice cream burning in my hand, the warmth of summer melting what remained
School started again
shouting over homework began a new. a season’s tiding
another school year completed
off to the beach we go!
I overheard you cursing, loudly while packing the car
Spoiled F***** kids, I wish they weren’t born
I admired your construction skills
I overhead you share how you felt about me
I was unwanted before I was born
I was a curse to your life
I hated and loved to see you leave on your work trips
Gone for months at a time
I knew you were off to earn a living and continue damaging others along the way
Cheating in every direction
I even asked your wife if we could include the underwear section in your next package.
A second grader knew what you were doing
I learned that you did nothing about my siblings being abused in our home by the neighborhood kids
My brother and sister learned how to assault me and each other.
I don’t fault them, but I do hold you accountable for hoping it would simply go away
You let us believe assault was acceptable and welcomed
You made your decision to not protect us
You watched our grandfather’s brother grab my sister
She begged for you to intervene
He’s family, it’s okay
During a game of flashlight tag was the night I realized you wouldn’t protect me anymore
I stopped your son and his friends from picking on a teammate
My reward was my face being smashed against a rock until I blacked out
I was given Bactine for the wounds, He was allowed to play baseball with his team the next day
Did you like seeing the blood dripping down my face?
Did it want to make you touch kids?
My sister was curious
We role played, using my naivety as dice
She had me pretend to be a seal
Beaching myself upon her
I wondered why her eyes looked different, her face quivering, biting her lip
It was your sons turn again
He masturbated on me time and time again
Between smashing my head against my dresser
We fought all the time, blood, bruises, no one came to help
He and his friends humped me
Performed wrestling moves on me until it hurt to walk
You asked him to stop, nothing else
I started to lose friends
I was hard to be around
These things continued for years
The yelling never stopped and became background static, slightly muted ambiance
The silence hurt more than the yelling
My sister and I dreamt of leaving home and never coming back
Christmas time was full of cheer
A break from the assaults
Yelling
Sleepless nights
A week or two of peace
Purchasing your atonement through gifts
Maybe you did care, a little
Just enough to keep us around to hurt us again
Completing Math homework was a trip to hell
I couldn’t mute your yelling and the raised first for not being able to find X, sometimes Y
My sister and your son had severe acne
I was put on Accutane to preemptively fix what I’d never contract
I had two pimples as a teen, one on my forehead and in the cleft of my nose
Why did we carpet bomb such a mild case?
I begged you to get me off of the drug
It hurt me more than the two pimples
I lost weight, my spark, and my trust
Hugs were pretend when I needed them the most
You’d go to hug me and then rip up my shirt
You didn’t want to help, only to see if other people would notice
Why did it surprise you that I ranaway from home at 17?
This should have been a gift to you
You wanted others to feel bad for you
A son that had everything wanted to leave
Before I left, I evaded the police searching for me
Sleeping in fields and storm drains in winter’s grip
Anything to stay away from you
A greyhound bus took me away on a perfect snowy December morning
your son and his friend waking up the smell of chocolate chip pancakes
Dance, Dance -Fallout Boy was playing on MTv
My sister was taking a shower – enjoying the 2x hour delay
I made my escape, knowing everyone was busy
I boarded the bus, traveling towards the southern coast
I’d hide from life for a little while
The people I stayed with were equally evil as you
they shattered my perception of God
I was told I’d never see Heaven’s Gates
I told you so many times how I felt
Man up, was your best advice or I’m too sensitive
You beat me for being sensitive, not for a committed crime
Punished for my soul
I enrolled in Engineering School
I failed an electrical math class 3 times
I eventually passed
I built a great career
I had a home but I never felt at home
I made a lot of money
I turned out alright according to you
You never saw how the simplest emotions could consume me
Catching my tears before they fell on an open server
Coming home after long hours and still unable to sleep
I’ve been in therapy for 11 years
IFS, EMDR, Talk, DBT, Inpatient, Self and Professionally Medicated
Not much has helped
I’m not in any textbook
It’s okay. They tried their best. Truly. And so did I.
I wanted to stay.
It wasn’t enough for you to destroy our lives
You masturbated in front of us and our friends
You exposed your crusty genitals at every chance you had
You started to prey on your grandchildren
Neighborhood kids
how much money did you give the lemonade stand down the street?
Your latest, defenseless disabled kids at church
I pray for mercy over you
Don’t forget the four other professionals that assaulted me
Trust is nowhere to be found
Five of eight of my attackers were women
You tried to include your sister and your mother in the sexual assaults
Why did you want me to walk through the house naked on the way to the shower?
As a man, I should’ve enjoyed all of this!
Several women molesting a child should’ve been an achievement
You didn’t have the courage to abort me
I became a problem that you’d hope I’d help solve for you
By erasing myself, you could maybe live free
Never having to explain yourself
I think you’re right.
I tried. I truly did. I tried.
When my breathing slows, wrap me in warm clean sheets and tuck me in for eternal slumber
Let me blow out my candle feeling safe in the warmth of clean sheets.